The book mark
A couple of months back I couldn't sleep and finishing the current book I was reading I got out of bed and hunted for a new book. Scrabbling at a pile I hadn't touched for ages I reached to the back of the cupboard and pulled out a book I couldn't remember reading. I noticed it had a small piece of card as a bookmark stuck halfway through its pages. It was a Christmas gift label and I opened and read the words "Thank you for always holding my hand love Fi." and I broke down.
Fi or Fiona had been killed a year and a half earlier. And as I read her little message my heart broke all over again. (as I'm writing this I can barely see my computer screen)
She was my friend but never has the word sounded so small in comparison to what she meant to me. She was so much more than I can ever express. Her death changed me forever. And now my life has one missing piece and what a piece.
We first met over seventeen years ago when I was playing in a wine bar near to where I live now. Her and her flat mate became regulars and one evening we introduced ourselves. I found out that she had just arrived in London and was working as a sales promotion girl in Selfridges. She was very well-spoken and immaculately dressed, her make up perfect, and we seemed to get on well. At that time I was working with Dave, Denny and Rick and we'd just set up a small recording studio in a video shop basement directly across the street from the wine bar. She asked if she could drop by and I realised that the she liked me a bit more than I had first thought and in the way of things within a few weeks we became a couple.
I don't think I can adequately describe how we were together but I do know it was so full of innocence. I don't know why that was except to say that Fi was so new to life and especially life in a big city that she seemed surrounded by a wide-eyed curiosity for everything she encountered. She was just eighteen.
I began to learn about her background and a very rarified one it was too. Her Uncle was a Lord Somebody and her parents lived in a huge Elizabethan Manor House near Cookham (A very wealthy country area) She had grown up in what used to be called the County set. Private schools, pony riding, grand balls and all that went with a part of society that is only just now beginning to fade. But the way she talked she seemed to be so apart from it all. It didn't seem to be her. And then I found out why. Her parents were both pretty religious and by all accounts their relationship was relatively loveless. Her two brothers seemed very spoilt and ignored her and somehow a girl full of emotion grew up in an emotional vacuum, surrounded by people who never showed their feelings and seemed bound by a family bond based on stiff principles of manners and 'proper' behaviour.
She rebelled. But in a way that left her marked for life. She stopped eating.
I'll never forget when I found this out. One evening as we sat in the tiny studio flat we now shared she began showing me pictures of her as a little girl. Most seemed to be of her riding ponies at various gymkhanas winning prizes, the occasional formal looking family photo sneaking in. Then she went quiet and said that she was going to show me some other photos but I mustn't make any comment. She looked very distant as she spoke and then as she opened the album at the back page she told me she had suffered from anorexia.
The pictures made me go cold. I could tell it was her, but only from her eyes because she was so thin it was painful to see. In front of me sat an attractive full bodied girl but in the photo sat a ghost. She looked like a skeleton, the skin stretched tightly over bone. My eyes filled with tears as she told me all about it and she described a chilling moment when a doctor came into her hospital room one afternoon and simply told her that she was going to die. That was all he said. Something gave inside her she said and she began to eat again and after a year recuperating she decided to leave home. She didn't really know anybody in London but she knew she couldn't stay at home with her parents any longer and so catching a train one day she came to town. She was as brave as a lion, albeit a small blonde one.
This had all only happened a few months earlier and after sharing a flat with a girl that she had found in an advert she found her own small place and moved in. Shortly after she met me and the studio guys I was working with, she got one of them, my friend Denny to help her move her stuff from her parents' house into her new tiny studio flat. She really was so very brave. Her parents effectively cut her off. She was on her own. Her possessions fitted into the back of an estate car. But now at least she had me.
After a year together we moved into a bigger flat and so our pattern was set and we stayed together for the next seven years. I couldn't set it all down because so much normal life happened it wouldn't exactly make riveting reading. We did the usual things couples do when they share their lives. Shopping, holidays, cinema, parties, work. But through all of this amazingly we never ever argued and we supported each other totally. I can honestly say it was the most peaceful time in my life. Everything seemed easy.
How do you describe such constant happiness in a few short memories. I don't think I can. It was just real life, real sharing and real love. I have so many wonderful moments and memories in me that if I had to choose just one, it would have to be Valentine's Day.
We used to always make a fuss each year, I don't know why but it was just something we did. We loved Valentine's day. We'd buy each other presents and cards and surprises and normally go to the theatre or the cinema. This particular year it fell on a Sunday. Unfortunately though in that particular year at that time, for me work had got a bit thin on the ground. It had left me really short of money and as that weekend approached I agonised about not being able to buy a few presents and take her out as we usually did. But she kept saying it didn't matter and that we'd have a nice time anyway and she really meant it. She didn't want me feeling bad. But despite her telling me not to worry about it, it really bugged me.
Then I had an idea. On the Saturday afternoon while she was at the hairdressers I wrote and recorded a special love song for her on my small studio system. That night just as we were going to bed I told her I'd left something in the car and leaving her in the bathroom I nipped outside and put the cassette in her car stereo with a note with a little red valentine heart saying Play Me. It wasn't much but it was all I could think of. The next morning she got up early as she always did every Sunday at this time and leaving me in bed she drove to one of her part time jobs.
She'd only been gone about ten minutes when the phone rang. Guessing it was her to tell me about the song I smiled and answered it, but to my surprise it was a friend of mine desperately needing a musician for a local lunchtime gig. The money was very good and so it was that by the time she came home, I had played a gig, bought some presents and booked a restaurant. Now as I said she knew I didn't have much money and had told me not to worry about a present and as I heard the front door I could barely hide my excitement. I had bought her a card and she opened it saying I was a big softy and I shouldn't have wasted my money but she hugged me and kissed me and I knew she liked it, and then I asked her if she'd liked the song. She looked blank. "What song" she said and I realised that the poor thing had been so tired and obviously had just blearily eyed got into the car and driven the short distance not noticing my little card on the stereo. I made something up about a new song I'd heard on the radio and changed the subject.
We mooched about in the afternoon and then I told her that a friend of ours had asked us to go see him play at a restaurant he worked at. It was a very upmarket restaurant in Mayfair, stunning inside but very pricey. The regular customers included pop stars and actors and all manner of well-known people. We'd been before a few times to see him play but only ever sitting in the bar area and sipping our one overpriced drink. She said it sounded like a good idea and then casually a bit later on I said as we were going out, why didn't we dress up a bit. I made some comment about making it a bit of a night out and she laughed and said why not.
And so it was that evening, that I ran out to the car and hid the little taped song and its card before she saw it and we set off for the restaurant. She looked beautiful. She had put on her favourite going out dress, all her little pieces of jewellery and as usual her make up was perfect. It was great. We walked in and sat at the bar and waved to my friend at the piano, when suddenly at his signal the manager came over and bowed to us. "Your table, Miss." he said with a huge smile and I took her arm as we were led into the luxurious interior. She looked both stunned and stunning. Once we had sat down I produced the little gifts I had bought, she just couldn't stop smiling. I loved it. Perfect Valentines Day. But it wasn't quite finished.
Once the meal was finished and we'd said goodbye to my friend we set off for home. And then just as we pulled up outside our flat she noticed the cassette and the little card sticking out of the car door pocket where I'd quickly pushed it. Reading it she looked at me quizzically and put it in the stereo. She cried as it finished, but only tears of happiness and she often reminded me of it in later years.
And so we ended that special day not knowing that it would stay with us both forever but only I would be left to tell people about it. Right now my eyes are streaming with tears but just like those she cried that day some of them are for the happiness of having such a wonderful and precious moment.
To show what an amazing girl she was I can tell you that at one point when I couldn't get much work she worked at three part time jobs just to support us. And to repay her when my fortunes picked up, when she went back to college to get a Diploma in Food Science I pretty much supported us both. She still worked at a small part time job though, she said it didn't feel right not to work! We never discussed it, it was just how we were.
But we were both changing and somehow we'd let the romance leave our relationship and after much discussion we went our separate ways. It was my fault. I just felt we weren't going anywhere. It was so painful. She didn't want me to go, but something inside made me leave her. Thinking back now I remember how hurt she was. I felt terrible but I had to go. I just had to. Writing this down now I just feel ashamed. I never wanted to hurt her but I did.
But we couldn't let go of each other. Months passed and we talked most weeks and stayed at each other's places until one day she announced that she was going to America for a year and that she thought it was for the best. She'd tried to go out with other people but it hadn't really worked for her, and even though I had gone out with other people I usually kept the fact from her. I just felt so guilty. I can't explain it. We were permanently caught up in each other and emotionally it wasn't doing either of us much good. We couldn't seem to move on. But we both knew after all the times we'd shared that we'd become a permanent part of each other's lives. One of life's mysteries is when you can't be together but you can't really be apart either.
Years of talking though had made us family now. We both felt it and even after she returned from the states and started another relationship the die was cast.
We needed each other. We were linked forever. We knew it.
It was great. We often marveled how wonderful it was to have each other. We had no secrets. We told each other everything. I know now how unusual it must have been for other people to figure out. We were so close but not together. I loved her and she loved me. We said it to each often because it was important to. And even though we both had partners we retained our soul link. That might sound hopelessly romantic but it was how we both felt.
And sometimes life creates such situations between people who love each other and whatever anybody else thought, we understood. Our partners probably found it a bit strange in some ways, but for us it worked and as the years passed our bond grew stronger.
As I write this now I know how privileged I am to have been able to watch her turn into the amazing, confident woman she grew to be. When we first met she was softly spoken and quite shy but as time passed her confidence grew and by the time she went to America she was a lioness. Nothing fazed her and when she told me about the outrageous things she had got up to on her travels I laughed at her boldness. It was amazing remembering the quiet girl I'd first met and comparing her to this opinionated, dynamic and beautiful woman that buzzed with energy before me. But she hadn't changed. She'd simply blossomed like a rare flower.
Using some of her experiences she decided to put together a hand-made greeting card company and worked such long hours I feared for her health. When she did something, she gave it all her energy. Failure for her was never an option. That was her way. And as ever she was so determined to make it work, that endless hours passed her by, turning into weeks and then months.
And work it did. Orders poured in and her profits soared. She bought her second house just one year later!
It was typical of her ability to focus totally on a particular subject. When she was at college she would sit for hours working on her homework, putting in far longer study periods than any of her contemporaries. And by strange contrast despite her growing confidence she was always convinced that her work was just barely acceptable and that her marks might not be so good. She was top of her class every single time. I used to listen to her worrying about how well she'd done, comforting and encouraging as best as I could, to be later told she'd got the best marks possible. One wonderful moment was when a leading food manufacturer came to her college and announced a recipe competition. They offered a small prize but it was more of a prestige thing.
Now you need to understand that her cooking was heavenly and over the next few weeks she experimented with various combinations of the manufacturer's product. Our friends were delighted to be guinea pigs but she remained skeptical of her ability. The day of the competition came and went and then a week or two passed as it carried on through colleges across London.
One afternoon she came home and I asked about her day. She smiled and in a throwaway fashion said she'd won the competition. I jumped about and then calmly she told me that not only had she won but the company had liked her recipe so much they were going to print it on all tins of their particular product. It summed her up. She was grace and modesty personified.
So that little card I found with its few lines contained so much love in it, this story wrote itself.
In reading this I realise that when people close to us die, we often talk about them in an extravagant manner, conveniently airbrushing out their faults and inflating their good deeds and manner until they are virtually raised to sainthood. But as I put these lines onto this page I know I am not really coming close to letting you know what an exceptional human being she really was. There really isn't anything bad anyone could say. She was such a great person to know.
She'll always be a part of my heartbeat.
I've always known that in life at some point we have to face death. I've lost friends, my father but in losing her I lost a part of me that still aches and I truly believe won't ever stop until I die. Her face is etched onto my heart forever.
It is people who shape us, who lift us up and bring us down.
She loved me and never stopped.
I won't stop either.
Phil's
short Biography (All strangely true!)
Phil Ryan has achieved many things in his life as a writer and musician. In late September 1991 he helped create and successfully launch The Big Issue magazine. As one half of the original two man team which included his friend the current Editor in Chief and International Chairman - John Bird
M.B.E. (Guaranteeing Phil's place in heaven if nothing else)
Eighteen months later he returned to his musical roots as lead singer of The Animals in a record breaking 100,000 audience open air concert tour staged in Red Square, Moscow in May 1992 that was shown live by satellite across Europe and the West coast of America.
Back to writing in late 1993 and 1994 as he staged three of his plays -`I knew
Jimi` (Music based) a drama `Last Train to Arnos Grove` and his award winning production of `The Blessed`. Returning to music during the late part of 1994 he helped conceive, launch and run The Twelve Bar Club, London's premier acoustic music venue and went on to win the Time Out - Best Music Venue of the Year award.
1995 found him still running The Twelve Bar, producing various acoustic based artists, regularly appearing on
L.B.C Radio, and writing comedy sketch material for the Theatre Royal Stratford East and The Canal Cafe Theatre.
1996/98 saw him leave The Twelve Bar to undertake some American music concert appearances and complete his first solo album. He also completed his first book of short stories and workshop trials for his stage musical Storm City at the Theatre Royal Stratford East.
1999 - 2007 saw him continue to tour Europe, play some gigs in New York and complete four brand new TV pilot sitcoms and stage the second Storm Productions stage musical `Silas
Marner` based on the novel by George Eliot (The live theatrical showcase now available on DVD and CD) and finish his second festival album.
In his spare time he's completed a set of pilot scripts for a children's TV series based on his children's book 'The House of Eternal Summer' and for another of his enchanting children's books
'Mr Noakes'.
In
2008 he's finished his first literary thriller 'The Divine Engineer' and
his second
and third novels 'The Strange tale of DA Copperthwaite' and
'The Land'. In early 2008 he launched The Phil Ryan Show at The London Arts Theatre and produced a TV Pilot of the show. Currently
in 2009 he's writing new material for a new
acoustic album and is soon to start initial production demos/storyboarding
and filming on the new Storm Productions Stage musical theatre/film project
'Svengali'.
And by the by he's also just written two self help books ('Life in Balance' - 'The Compass Club'
also currently available for publication) Next he's launching a new live music video website
called MusicLand TV.
Why isn't he dead?
Luck and regular meals!
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Best regards Phil Ryan